So I just had a dispute with my parents about riding the bus. I don't want to ride the bus mainly because the kids on there are jerks (The middle schoolers, not the highschoolers), and when a middle schooler clearly has a seat open beside them they won't let you sit with them, thinking they're so much better than you. Like look, I need a place to sit, at least I Asked.
Anyway, and I just don't like riding the bus in general this year because the bus driver won't regain control of the kids
I would most likely put them all in assigned seats if I were him
Like let the siblings sit with their siblings (because my brother rides the same bus for the next three years)
So bACK TO THE DISPUTE
I suggested letting me walk to school or let me ride my bike to school. They said no.I told them that they'd basically have to trust me with a car in a couple years time. They still said no. They said I needed experience. I said that I would gain experience if they let me walk to school (with is like, 3.7 miles away from our house.)
They said that they'd tried to get me to be more outgoing before and I said no. I said that I hadn't been ready then and that I was ready now. They kept saying I needed experience. But overall I felt like they'd given up on me.
Anyway, so I was thrown into a panic attack and couldn't control myself. Mom got mad and said she was about to knock the crap out of me. In response I told her to do it; which she slapped me.
So then there's a little more arguing, which I forgot most of the details. Anyway I remember slamming my door after smarting of to my dad. He immediately came in and gave me a whoopin (with his hand, not a belt or anything. Don't freak, it didn't hurt that badly. i has bUTT OF STEEL)
So, after a little more arguing and getting less and less control of my breathing and my arms and lips starting to tingle and body going numb, my attack got worse and I could barely speak. They didn't do anything to help it- well, that's a half lie, Dad kept telling me to take deep breaths, to which I replied that I couldn't. He told me they'd come, which they eventually did. Mom, on the other hand, was raising her voice at me and telling me to, not exactly shut up because she didn't actually say shut up, but she told me to stop crying. I think. Like I said, I forgot most of the details. Anyway, so then they both left me alone and I basically collapsed, burying my face in my pillow, commencing to sob uncontrollably while saying "Don't leave me", "don't leave me alone", "I don't want to be alone", "help me", "please", and "come back" repeatedly. After a while, Dad came and sat in my bedroom doorway. It was quiet for a little bit and then he started talking to me. He no longer sounded angry.
And in the middle of our conversation, Mom came through and apologized for slapping me, saying she didn't have patience for stuff like that and to always ask Dad about situations like that (walking to school, etc.)
It's just- A terrible feeling. To feel like your parents gave up on you, and to know one doesn't have the patience for your questions/arguments caused by those questions. And when you're practically freaked out and having a panic attack, they do nothing until you're calm and collected. Which I guess I can understand why, because I did start the dispute...
But I still felt broken. Knowing I cause way too much stress for one person to handle. Let alone two.
I make them feel as if I don't care. My Mom, at least. Dad knows I care. In fact, I think sometimes I care too much.
Maybe I should only speak when spoken to. Take my own advice and do like I do at school. Go with the flow and stay quiet unless directly prompted to speak. Yeah. Sounds like a plan. </i>